Hey there Tiger’s fans, it’s been a busy week in sports with both the NBA and NHL playoffs starting, the NFL draft talk reaching a boil, and of course the second month of the Major League Baseball season approaching. Needless to say I’ve been watching a shit ton of sports- as well as Young Guns, which has been on cable every night for reasons known only to God- and am brimful of opinions, commentary and of course, rampant negativity. With that said, let’s take a look at what’s going on with Detroit Sports- except for hockey of course, because I refuse to follow any sport where none of the athletes have illegitimate children!
Well, the Tiger’s finished their first West Coast road trip with a winning record (barely), scoring a series split against the weak-hitting, Oakland A’s, and a series win with the even weaker-hitting Seattle Mariners. Los Tigres took the first two games of the four game set against Oakland and with staff ace Justin Verlander starting the third game, looked poised to at least take (if not outright sweep) the series. Unfortunately, JV got out-dueled by A’s starter Dallas Braden through five innings, and the Oakland bullpen- which had blown the two previous games- held strong. The Tigers actually had a 1-0 lead through the first 3 1/2 innings, but the A’s started the fourth with a couple of doubles, then Ryan “Fielding apocalypse” Rayburn bobbled one of them and hilarity ensued- and by hilarity I mean a three run rally. Detroit only mustered one more run and fell 6-2, as JV lost his second start in a row.
Any hopes of winning the series were dashed however, when Tiger fans realized that the finale doubled as Brad Penny’s turn in the rotation. Needless to say, they didn’t win that one. Penny- whose fiancee I recently learned is a dancer on “Dancing With the Stars”, and is posing for Playboy, apparently- has been an unmitigated disaster this season. His fiancee isn’t the only one in the family whose been photographed getting bent over a table this year, as his starts have been like snuff films where the only thing that gets murdered at the end is my will to live. Of the two morbidly obese, former decent starters on the market this year, it looks like Los Tigres made a big mistake and should have signed Bartolo Colon instead. I can’t believe I actually just wrote that.
Brad Penny getting shelled has been a common sight for Tiger's fans this year!
After the split in Oakland, the team took two out of three in Seattle where Detroit avoided facing the only good Mariner starter- Felix Hernandez- and rode two respectable outings by Max Scherzer (3-0 and pitching pretty well this year), and Rick Porcello (had a good start against the worst offense in the AL!). In between the two Tiger wins, Phil Coke got shelled as he continues to make the argument that the team should never have moved him from the bullpen or traded from him at all.
With the winning road trip the team pulled within a game of .500 before the upcoming six-game homestand and with the Mariners on the back end of it the team has a decent chance to make some ground on the surprising division leading Cleveland Indians. However, the team continues to play bad fundamental ball, and with Victor Martinez hurt the second best hitter in the lineup is either Jhonny Peralta, or gulp, Al Avila. What a boner kill. Whether it’s Rayburn bobbling and dropping balls in the outfield (he’s got 3 errors this year, and just hit his 3rd home run tonight- more errors than homers is definitely in play), Brennan Boesch somehow getting doubled off at second on an infield popup (still not sure how that happened) or no one besides Cabrera having double digit walks 20 games into the season, the team still seems unable to do the little things that good teams use to steal close games over the course of a season. The two biggest ifs in the starting rotation (Coke and Penny) have, in a massive understatement, not worked out, the team is playing horrendous defense (13 errors) and they aren’t hitting nearly enough to make up for it.
Last week Leyland sat Austin Jackson, who to the surprise of no one, is mired in a massive slump to start the season. So wait, you’re telling me that you CAN’T strikeout in a third of your at-bat’s and be a good leadoff hitter? That’s insane! Last season Jackson struck out 170 times, and walked less than 50 times, yet still finished with an okay .345 OBP because he hit something like .400 on balls he put into play. The odds of him doing that again this year are slightly worse than winning the lottery twice in a lifetime, so even though Jim Leyland might not care that he strikes out so much (as he claimed in a spring training interview) anyone could see that Jackson would have to cut down to be effective at all at the top of the order.
Instead, Jackson has struck out a whopping 26 times in only 74 at-bats this season (my bad, that’s OVER a third of the time) and as a result his average has plummeted to .164 with a .244 OBP. Throw in the fact that Will “I wear my uniform to the bar so chicks believe I’m a major leaguer” Rhymes has been unable to hit his weight, as well as Magglio’s brittleness and lack of any recognizable skill at this point- and the top of the lineup has not exactly “restored the roar” at this point. In fact, the team should just forfeit the first inning of each game so that they don’t have to start every game with a strikeout followed by two weak grounders. Has the team even scored a run in the first inning once this year? Actually don’t answer that.
The struggles at the top of the lineup are particularly disturbing since the Tiger’s haven’t had a prototypical leadoff hitter- one who draws walks, steals bases, and hits for average- in almost twenty years since they traded Tony “If I were a superhero I’d be called, “The Croucher” Phillips and his crack pipe after the ’93 season. In the eighteen years since the team hasn’t had a leadoff man who has either drawn 100 walks, or had an OBP of .400. Eighteen years! I wasn’t even ten years old back in ’93! That’s amazing, you’d think after that long a time there would have been one guy, but the team continues to roll the dice with guys who have speed but no hitting skill (Luis Polonia, Roger Cedeno, Brian Hunter to name a few) or guys like Granderson who are good hitters but aren’t normal leadoff guys.
Granderson however, was not a failure in the leadoff spot despite his inability to draw a walk or his struggles with lefties. After Jackson’s impressive rookie season last year (and it should be mentioned, Jackson does play a great center field, a huge asset at Comerica with Rayburn and Ordonez in Left and Right) and Granderson’s difficult season in New York, most pundits scored the mega-trade that brought Jackson to Detroit and shipped Granderson out a success (All the Detroit media would have called the deal a success even if the team got Brett Gardner for Granderson- an article by Lynn Henning in the Free Press last week actually referred to Bryan Villarreal and Brennan Boesch as “phenoms”- can someone please strip him of his Hall of Fame vote already?). However, with Jackson still struggling to curtail his strikeouts and Granderson starting the year hot, the deal could turn out to be one that haunts the Tigers, especially if Scherzer doesn’t make the leap and become a dominant pitcher. With Phil Coke and Daniel “I’m cross-eyed” Schlereth struggling the deal hinges on Jackson and Scherzer performing and if they don’t the trade will be seen as the turning point where the Tiger’s stopped competing for a division title.
Speaking of the Central division it seems to be upside down through the first twenty games of the season, with the Indians in first place, followed by the Royals, Tigers, White Sox, and finally perennial contender Minnesota Twins in the basement. The Indians- who absolutely no one saw coming- seem to finally be reaping some of the benefits of systematically trading off all of their talent the past five years. They lead all of the MLB in wins and with their star player Grady “Google my images and see what happens” Sizemore coming back from injury they could contend all year. Much like the Royals- another team that has built a strong farm system and dealt established players for assets- the Indians have a good mix of promising young hitters and a couple of solid starters, and the Central is just mediocre enough to where either of these teams could easily take the division.
When looking at the rosters of Cleveland and Kansas City, the biggest difference between them and the Tiger’s is Detroit’s jarring lack of homegrown Latin talent. Jumping back into the “wayback” machine, who was the last highly rated Tiger’s position prospect who was Latin (and the team throwing out Ramon Santiago and Omar Infante as the next “Trammell and Whitaker” during Tram’s lameduck 2001 season doesn’t count). Go ahead take your time… google it… I’ll still be here… And TIME. Give up? It was Juan “I single-handedly gave Al Kaline a stroke” Encarnacion in 1997, or as I use to call him “Juan Encarshitcion”. In the thirteen years since he underwhelmed the entire Tiger’s fan base (I remember him and Magglio both came out at the same time and were both supposed to be amazing, only Magglio ended up being way better. At least the Tiger’s got to wildly overpay him years later, after Mag’s blew out his knee, that’s something, right?) the team has not had one great Latin prospect.
Randy Smith told this blogger that this card would be worth a lot of money by now
The team has always had money to spend- particularly in the Dombrowski years- yet they haven’t won a Division title since the 80’s, meanwhile, small-market clubs like the Marlins (and before them the Expos) always seem to have solid young teams despite not having a payroll to speak of. It’s because teams like the Marlins scout and sign great Latin players instead of blowing all their money on free agents and busts in the draft. Out of all the top ten draft picks the Tiger’s have had over the past two decades, their best player is a guy the Marlins signed as a fourteen year old. If they don’t step up their scouting in Latin America (currently our only homegrown starter with a Latin name is the Assistant G.M.’s son) the team will continue to stink with guys like Boesch and Rayburn failing while younger more athletic teams like the Indians and Royals overtake them.
In the NBA, there has been good news and bad news for Detroit fans- the bad news is that the season is over, and the good news is that the season is over, yay, no more having to watch the Pistons embarrass themselves! Last week the playoffs started and the first round has been exciting yet ultimately anti-climactic as the Celtics, Bulls and Heat (that’s almost half the series’) pulled out to 3-0 series leads. Look for all of those teams to advance, as well as the Mavs, the Lakers, the Spurs, the Thunder, and the Magic (who will hold off the Hawks despite being down 2-1 after tonight). Most of the games have been ridiculously close with only the clearly-outmatched Sixers (against the Heat) and the banged up Knicks (against the Celtics) doing a Brad Penny impression, and the Hornets and Grizzlies both stunned their respective foes with wins in their opening games- with the Hornets beating the defending champion Lakers, and the Grizzlies getting their franchises first ever post-season victory against the Spurs.
The biggest story of the playoffs by far however, has been the emergence of Derrick Rose as a genuine superstar and game closer for the Bulls. Led by new coach, defensive wizard Tom Thibodeau, the Bulls had the NBA’s best record as their stifling defense and Rose’s stellar play at point put them on the map as the team to beat this year. all despite being one scorer short of having a truly dominant team. Rose is the front-runner for the MVP as he has separated himself from every other great young point guard in the league (and there is a ton of them) and willed his team to victory all season long. It’s been amazing watching him, against the Pacers in the first round, everyone knows Rose is going to shoot the ball, and yet he still dribbles around three guys every time to either lay it in, get fouled, or toss it to a teammate for a dunk. He’s unstoppable. Throw in Chicago’s fantastic defense (which had been their identity for a years until the incompetent Vinny Del Negro derailed them last year) and they look like the favorites.
With that said, the title isn’t exactly a lock. Miami still has Wade, LeBron (and of course the refs) but there’s no way they get rebounds when it matters, they should have ditched Bosh and signed a banger like Luis Scola instead. Boston has struggled since losing Perkins, and the Lakers have a ton of wear and tear on them from winning the past two years (although they have Bynum healthy in the playoffs for the first time ever). Anything can happen, but unless Oklahoma City explodes (which I could easily see happening with how Westbrook and Durant played this year) it looks like this might be Chicago’s year. Just think, if LeBron had signed with Chicago instead of Miami they would have definitely won this year and the next eight. LeBron was right, he could have been a part of a dynasty, he just picked the wrong team. Fuck him though.
The NFL draft is fast approaching as well, but I want to wrap this up and head to the bar, so all I want to comment on is that today former Michigan man and New York Giant receiver Amani “ITS NOT A TOO-MAH!” Toomer has recanted his claim that NFL commissioner Roger Godell was acting like “the Gestapo”. As Amani says “Obviously I didn’t fully understand the meaning of what I said” (“to be honest with you, I didn’t even know what the Gestapo or the Holocaust was, but I’m sorry for comparing the NFL strike to the worst genocide in World History, my bad dawg”). Guess he didn’t major in history at “the Harvard of the Midwest”. Until next time-
“I have consensual sexual relationships with men” – Nate Fridson
Naked Pictures of Jamie Walker 