Well, Tiger fans, it didn’t take long, but I think it’s safe to say, our boys don’t have it this year. In fact, let’s just say that “THEY DON’T HAVE IT THIS YEAR”. Despite a solid exhibition season, Los Tigres have limped out of the gate with three straight series losses and if it wasn’t for the Boston Red Sox’s improbable 1-6 start, I would possibly be the most deranged, pessimistic, fan in sports. As it is, I’ll have to settle for the most outside of “Red Sox” nation. Whatever. At least I’m not from a suburb of Boston, those people are alcoholic psychos, I don’t care how many movies Ben Affleck directs about them. Anyway, some of my faithful readers have pointed out that it’s too early to push the panic button on the Tiger’s season however, I think that after this weekend, it’s pretty safe to say that unless the team makes changes to it’s defense and relief pitching, they definitely won’t finish ahead of the Twins, or White Sox, and might even get beaten out by the Royals or Indians, for fourth place in the division. Ouch.
After dropping two of three in New York to open the season, the Tiger’s went into Baltimore to face the perennial doormat Orioles, who managed to salvage the end of their catastrophic previous season by hiring Buck Showalter to be their manager. Immediately, they went from the consensus worst team in the league to borderline frisky, as Showalter put an emphasis on fundamentals, and helped eliminate many of the self-destructive boners that had sunk the young team’s season. Hiring Showalter was a boon in two ways, he not only improved their play immediately, but his last two teams have won the World Series the season after he was fired- just a savvy move all around for the O’s. Anyway, after talking shit about his A.L East rivals, Showalter’s team has come out swinging and dined on the Tiger’s on their way to a 5-1 start!
Originally I was going to go game by game and talk about everything that went wrong for the Tiger’s as they again lost two of the three games, but frankly, I’m not in the f****** mood. Just know that Brad Penny and their lack of any kind of competent defense or general fundamentals were prominently involved in the collapse. After dropping the first game, JV rebounded from his hot/cold debut to pitch eight strong innings only allowing three runs. One of my personal whipping boys, Al “Matt Nokes Reboot” Avila was the star of the game, exploding for a home run, double, and five R.B.I.’s thus winning the game AND making me look like an asshole for ripping him in the process. Well played Al. If you want to carry on my analogy of comparing his becoming the starting catcher because of his dad, to George W. Bush becoming President because of his dad, then Avila’s game would represent when Bush… oh wait, nothing good EVER happened when he was President. The closest thing W. ever had to a five R.B.I. game, was when he didn’t die after choking on that pretzel. Hopefully, Avila won’t be our catcher for as long as W. was President. Anyway, Al has shown some of the power that captivated fans two years ago in his first call-up but he’s not what I’d call a “professional hitter” exactly. Plus, don’t be fooled by his 1.000% fielding percentage he’s had multiple balls get by him to advance runners (including one today that he lost, but couldn’t find in the dirt), and despite featuring a strong throwing arm in the past, all six steal attempts against him have been successful (although some of that can be attributed to the pitcher’s not holding runner’s on, another fundamental the team doesn’t feature). Despite some early pop, he’s seemed incompetent behind the plate, and with the slow start of the pitching staff (the team has only allowed less than 5 runs in a game three times! In nine games!) it can only make one wonder if he’s calling a good game back there. Sure he might hit 15-20 home runs, but by the end of the year, will it even be worth it?
The rubber game of the Baltimore series was actually close, and the Tiger’s held a late lead before their bullpen- lead by lefty-specialist Brad “I can’t carry Jamie Walker’s jockstrap” Thomas self-destructed and a 5-4 lead turned into a 9-5 loss. The tying run scored from second on a single to right when Don Kelly (in as a defensive replacement) threw the ball practically into the Tiger’s dugout for no apparent reason. He didn’t slip, the sun wasn’t in his eyes, he just botched it, as Bob Uecker would say “just a BIT outside”. It was so bad even Rod Allen was flabbergasted and coming up with nonsensical explanations on the spot for bad plays is practically his trademark!
From there Los Tigres, had their home opener against a team they usually own at Comerica, the Kansas City Royals. However, after Scherzer got the win in the opener the Tiger’s dropped the next two as it becomes more and more apparent that Porcello might not bounce back this year. Phil Coke actually pitched okay in the middle game- a 3-1 Royals win- but today Porcello got battered around for the second consecutive start. The Royals banged out nine hits and five runs in five innings off of Porcello, on their way to fifteen hits in a 9-5 win, and at no point did little Ricky look comfortable or in command. Even worse, once again the bullpen was a sieve, giving up four more runs in as many innings while the team made four errors behind them. I tried to count up the number of errors the team has made so far, but I went to Detroit Public Schools and can’t count that high. Just know, through nine games, the Tiger’s have had more errors than I’ve had sexual partners, a frightening stat for both me and the team.
Which brings me back to the reason I think the Tiger’s- barring some unforseen personal changes- will not have a successful year. For the past five years- since the team was almost swept in the World Series by the worst championship team of all time because of guess what… fundamental defense- the team has been bested by the White Sox and particularly the Twins, because at the end of the season, when the pressure is on and the teams are playing head to head, the Tiger’s don’t play solid baseball. Year after year, we’ve seen the Twins beat our favorite team because unlike our team, the Twins work counts, take extra bases, play good defense and don’t shoot themselves in the foot when it matters. One would think that after a certain point, Dombrowski would build a team that could actually beat the Twins, but for the fifth year in a row, he’s assembled a bunch of guys who can hit for some power, but don’t hit for average, draw walks, get on base regularly, have any speed or play defense. Other than that, they’re pretty good.
It comes down to a question of worth. Avila’s power is probably not worth his incompetence behind the plate. Rayburn and Boesch might combine for over 30 home runs and around 80 R.B.I.’s (or even better if Mag’s goes down and they both start) but those numbers are not going to be worth it with the kind of defense they play. It’s one thing if you have Manny Ramirez in the field (all steroid jokes aside) because he hit .340 with 35 home runs and 130 R.B.I.’s every year. But to have a worse defender with two thirds of those numbers hurts the team more than helps them.
Now, normally baseball teams don’t play a set defense; it varies from hitter to hitter, however, in light of the teams recent play, I’ve started referring to our team philosophy as the “Tara Reid Defense” in that much like a drunken Tara Reid, any player with two legs and a pulse (who puts the ball in play) can score at will. All week long, the team played wretchedly in the field and although it doesn’t always show up in the box score; every extra out, and botched double play makes our pitchers work that much harder, and throw that many more pitches- so even if they work around the jam, it still affects the game. Don Kelly’s ridiculously errant throw, Inge blowing a tailor-made double play by throwing the ball wide of second (which happened today, that’s two errors for him so far- only 33 left to go!), Rayburn throwing the ball away, Peralta not being able to range up the middle even though he’s shaded that way, Mag’s misplaying two balls and allowing the Royals to take two extra bases, Boesch totally misplaying a long fly ball- these things all add up even if they don’t directly lead to runs. Even if they catch everything that is hit to them, every corner outfielder (outside of seldom-used Casper Wells) is incapable of making a “great” play which could rob the other team of a hit or deflate a rally; things that happen to the Tigers but not for them.
Throw in the fact that no outfielder has a good arm, and now every time someone singles with a runner on second that baserunner scores, something the Tiger’s can’t capitalize on because no one on the team has the speed to even steal ten bases this year- except for Jackson and he might not reach twenty if he doesn’t put the ball in play (fourteen strikeouts in nine games; he’s even AHEAD of last year’s pace, when he whiffed 170 times, IN THE LEADOFF SPOT).
Now, theoretically the team’s bullpen will improve once Ryan “Wild Thing” Perry comes back and I lose my mind and murder Daniel Schlereth. Jackson hopefully will get hot at some point, and eventually Will “I may not hit my weight” Rhymes will get sent down once the team realizes that he can’t hit the ball to the warning track. All these things will improve the team’s play, after all it is only the second week of the season. However, the Tiger’s are not going to win a division title out-slugging the other team every night, and if they don’t manage to at least shore up their play on the base paths and in the field- it’s going to be another long summer in Detroit. Although on the bright side, at least the new “April in the ‘D'” song rocks!… Oh wait, that sucks too, never mind.
In Pistons news, after months of haggling the team was FINALLY sold to L.A. financier (and Flint native) Tom Gores. Hey maybe he knows Zach Randolph from Flint and can get him to sign here, I can dream right? Anyway, the team can really only go up at this point, as the impending sale has put the entire organization in flux and basically hampered Joe D’s ability to put together a roster that makes sense. With the team’s price being set for sale, the team was unable to add any salary which made any kind of personnel moves virtually impossible.
Just this week, Drew Sharp, a beat writer for the Detroit Free Press shed some light on the mess that the sale created, by revealing that after Ben Gordon and Charlie V. were signed two summers ago, Rip Hamilton was supposed to be traded for Carlos Boozer, but erstwhile owner Karen Davidson was unwilling to add short-term salary (Boozer’s deal was worth more per year but expired before Hamilton’s) and thus nixed the deal. Boozer and his chest hair would have tremendously helped the Pistons front court and even if he hadn’t resigned it would have cleared loads of cap space. Plus, ditching Hamilton would have opened up the backcourt for Gordon and wouldn’t have ruined our rotation- and our season when Hamilton basically sunk the entire year by turning the team against Coach Kuester. For those of you who don’t follow basketball, simply put, not trading Hamilton for Boozer would be like having H.I.V. and choosing not to swap it for a clean bill of health and a puppy dog. Rough choice there.
Sharp also revealed that, that same summer Joe D had a tentative deal in place to bring squeaky voiced, tiny, dictator/coach Avery Johnson in as the head coach, instead of the eventual choice, John Kuester (apparently, Davidson didn’t want to pay Johnson, while the team while still paying former coaches Flip Saunders and Michael Curry). I’m not the biggest fan of Johnson’s; his Dallas teams constantly choked and his voice has unfavorably been compared to Gilbert Gottfried’s, but after the total disaster Kuester has been with his player and rotation management, one has to believe that “the little general” (Johnson’s actual nickname) would have been at least a marginal improvement. At the very least half the team probably wouldn’t have boycotted him.
Speaking of Kuester, Rodney Stuckey was the latest player to get benched in the team’s version of musical chairs, this time (remember Stuckey had already been benched for boycotting shoot-around last month) for refusing to enter a game late in the fourth quarter. Stuckey sat for a couple of games, but as per Pistons custom, quickly made peace with Kuester and was inserted back into the rotation where he has played passably well off the bench, i.e. he’s put up numbers in a couple of meaningless games against lottery teams in the last week of the season. However, this late surge no doubt means that he will be back next year, either as part of the already crowded backcourt, or as the starting point guard, as Joe D tries to slowly turn me into Jack Nicholson’s character from The Shining. Whatever, there’s only three games left until we can finally put this abortion of a season behind us all.
Anyway, even if Stuckey comes back, presumably now that the team has been sold, that means that Joe D (who it’s rumored will be retained) can once again actually do his job, and theoretically the players have to respect whoever the new coach is more than they do Kuester. Like I said, they have nowhere to go but up, and hey, maybe they’ll get lucky and get the number one pick in the draft lottery; which would be huge since this is possibly the worst draft of all time, and really only goes about two players deep.
Anyway, with the two team’s I give a shit about in flux, is it too early to look forward to Lions training camp? Oh wait, there’s a lockout. Looks like I’m going to have to get my sports fix watching two guys roll around in boxer shorts in the middle of a UFC octagon or gasp, actually watch the N.H.L! Until next time…
CHICKENFOOT (sorry, I missed it too much)
Naked Pictures of Jamie Walker 